ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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