She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
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