Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
he said no girl had ever swallowed his cum before
he probably also told you he thought u were pretty
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
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