Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
he's gonorrhea incarnate
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
whose shirt was i wearing?
his little sister's
what was she wearing
a feather boa and 6 inch heels
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
Randomize
