i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
Randomize
