I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
Randomize
