arkansas has a gas station called kum and go....story of my life
I looked at my own cervix.
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
where are you?
Hypothermia
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
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