she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
you told grandpa to call you daddy
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Randomize
