if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
Randomize
