Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
Please, let me fuck your mom
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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