I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
i dont nkow, theres a guy slesping next to me and im wearing 8 tsthirts? wtf happened last night? will you come get me.
i think im in thre room next to you
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
We need a shit load of segways right now
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
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