we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
Randomize
