so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
Iranian Rapper, camaroonian basketball player, mexican i forget and indian doctor....this one looks the best on paper.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
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