im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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