I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
We need to rekindle our bromance
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
So, settle a debate for my housemates. Have you measured your dick. And how long. Results Will not be disclosed
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
Fuck me I smell like cheese
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