Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
Please don't give away my fajitas
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