pwbgyin
what?
penguin condom
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
Randomize
