I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
I take back everything I said about communal showers
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
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