I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Randomize
