Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
Randomize
