dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
Randomize
