Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
I'm to the point where I just want to get back at him in a hot man sex tornado way.
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
Randomize
