So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
She does have a great personality.
Yeah, in her vagina.
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
Randomize
