i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
There's even glitter on my cock...
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