Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Randomize
