oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
at the end of the day, college isnt gonna be for everyone... and some of us are just going to have to learn how to breathe underwater while sucking cock.
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize
