I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
