my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
well on the bright side, he charges $60 for an eighth
so he'll probably take me somewhere nice
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
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