sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
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