yeah well you didnt even puke from the alcohol. we cut you off and went to huck finn's and told you that the "irish cream" coffee creamers had baileys in it, so you shot down like eight of them and puked all over the floor. it was great. we cheered you on and everything
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
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