I must be too annoying 4 u.
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
