Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
isnt it creepy that our bodies make people
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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