Well apparently he's into motor boating.
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
