Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
Well I'm glad to hear the fight wasnt over his small dick.
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
Randomize
