I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
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