I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
