I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
Who were the five players on the alien team from space jam?
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
