Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
Yeudjkisdjxbfceryuj. i love having a qwerty keyboard just so i can do that.
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
Randomize
