Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
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