Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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