I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
found POGS while I was cleaning my room this morning. Definitely bringing them back to school to turn into a drinking game.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
YOU CAN'T GET A TATTOO BECAUSE OF KPOP FANFICTION. THAT'S NOT HOW LIFE WORKS
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
