News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
Randomize
