dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Randomize
