I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
Randomize
