I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
Okay, quick math test. If our entire group can do at least 6 shots a night, how much alcohol will be needed to keep us shit faced for the rest of the week? This is for a grade. Anddd, go.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
Randomize
