batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
I just found a porn show called cleavagefield. no i am not watching.
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
we just pregamed for our presentation... gotta love group bonding
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
Randomize
