Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
i don't remember going ever taking off my pants but my pubes are shaved into a K and kelsey is passed out in the shower.
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
Randomize
