I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
After the VIP Latina experience at the strip club last night, I am rooting for Mexico in this years World Cup.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
The shrooms were awesome. Everyone's bones in their face looked so beautiful! Everyone had great face structures.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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