Haha dude youd die if you were here. Girl presenting is defending the new testament and did her report on JESUS. best believe i'm gonna ask some hungover, atheist ass questions
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
Randomize
