Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
Randomize
