you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
Signs you do Molly too much. Glow sticks fallout of random articles of clothing on academic row
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
Randomize
