if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
