You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
Randomize
