Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Randomize