when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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