I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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