Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
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