I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
she kept yelling 'call me bella'
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
