ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
Randomize
